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Oct. 27th, 2005

(no subject)

Yeah, been another long time since the update.

I'm kind of at a weird spot in my life right now. Ever since April, when I first started seeing Justin, I have known that I want someone special in my life.

In May/June, Justin had let me know that he did not want a relationship right now. Since then, we have hung out as great friends and pretty much have become friends with benefits. (if you know what I mean). At first I was kind of iffy about this, because I know I'll be going home still single. He had said that I wasn't the reason he didn't want to be with me, it was just the relationship thing.

Well, in September, he started hanging out with this girl, Ashley. I asked him about it. He said "we're just friends, that's it." But on the other hand, all his friends refer to her as "the girlfiend, the new girl" etc. So that meant that it WAS me he didn't want to be with, not the reasons he said. That he had to lie to me for no reason, only to hurt me more.

And another thing that confuses this up even more is that Adam is interested in me. Adam is Justin's roommate. I'm not really that interested in him.. we have hung out, I've tried to give him a chance, but there's no attraction or chemistry there. And I don't want to use him just for the male company. I've been used enough times to know how that feels.

So the general concensus is: I'm still in love with Justin, even though I know he is not right for me or even interested in me. Also, Adam thinks that there's going to be something that develops out of this 'hanging out' and Justin & friends are all calling me Adam's Girl.

So I've decided that I'm going to stop hanging out with both Adam & Justin. Nothing good is going to become of this. I don't want to be the desperate girl throwing herself on any guy just for some male attention. I want to be adored and loved for who I am, and I want both of us to be crazy in love with each other.

I'm going to call Adam right now and tell him how I'm feeling. That I can't let him keep paying for movies and food with me, thinking that I'm going to fall for him, when I'm not. I'm going to say it a little nicer though, as much as I can muster. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to be celibate now.

Aug. 1st, 2005

(no subject)

Wow, it's been a while.

OK here's the big update -- I thought that I would never see or associate with Justin again, but we are now closer than ever.

The end of May we broke up. The entire month of June majorly stunk. July 1, Friday, I came over to his place and hung out. We also hung out for Fourth of July. I even stayed over again. He hates himself so much for how much he hurt me. I told him that I still would like a relationship with him, but he said he can't right now. He said that before he was putting too much into our relationship, that he let himself get behind, which caused him to be depressed. So he's trying to get his life back on track before he rushes into anything new.

Even though we're not in a relationship, I feel so close to him, that it kind of feels like we already are. We're affectionate with each other, call all the time, hug, etc. And we talk more openly than we ever have.

I am happy with where we are right now. I'm actually going to have him over next Monday. I'm going to see him tonight, and then he's off limits for the rest of the week. I need to put my attention on my apartment. This place is going to be sparkling. I haven't had company for a LONG time.

Well I gotta be going to eat my dinner. Justin should be calling me here any minute ;)

Jun. 5th, 2005

(no subject)

Maybe I really am just beating a dead horse. Yet I don't want to just let Justin go. He's impacted me that much.

I may or may not see him tonight, tomorrow, whenever. I have a cell phone, he carries my # in his wallet. Why can't he make the connection? I've let him know how important communication is to me. But now he's just really pissing me off.

Absolutely nothing on the agenda today, besides trying to keep this place somewhat cool. These cats are driving me nuts. I don't want to live here anymore. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. I want to get dressed and go outside, but what's the point? To enjoy the sun and to try to get Asshole out of my mind? It's not working, because he's still in my dreams at night.

I still think of him as my boyfriend. If you would ask me right now, I would say "oh my boyfriend's just taking a little break right now". Yet even I don't know if that's all the way true. I don't even know if it's ever going to be back to the way it was before, when we were both in bliss and in love. And most of the time it was him more than me. He was the one that said I Love You before I did. It took me another week to say that. I'd never said that to anybody, I felt as if it were a gift I was giving of myself. I just didn't want to throw the words in there unless I really meant it.

And I keep listening to the voicemail I have saved on my phone from May 15, almost a month ago. Where he kept saying he was thinking about me and that he really loved me. That I was "Honey". I want those times back. Everyone keeps saying that I was just fine before I met him, that I'll be just fine without him. Well it took me 22 years to get into a relationship, to find someone who feels the same way I feel about them. Someone to be comfortable with. And now that I had it, and it could possibly be gone, I feel like I've failed. "gosh not even 2 months? you guys didn't even make it that long?". I feel like a big failure. I had something really great going, and I feel like I've ruined it. Yes it was him saying that we needed a break, but it was me feeling like I was smothering him.

I don't know what's going to happen with this whole thing. I just want to know. I want either some kind of closure, or some kind of news of anything wonderful happening. I hate just fumbling around in the dark. Last week was so hard for me. Being on vacation, having nothing to do But think about this dipshit and if he's going to call. Now that I went back to work, I'm always focusing on my job. But it always tears me up when someone asks how things are going, and I don't even have a clear answer. I don't even know myself.

I took down all the pictures of us and him and put them in a drawer. I know that if I have to look at him every single minute, that I'm just going to get even sadder of the times that we had together. The wonderful times we had together. What I truly want, is for us to go back to the way we were. When we were both so happy.

May. 31st, 2005

Empowerment

I don't even know if that's a word, but that's how I feel. Empowered. I stood my ground. I was solid.

I finally made contact with Justin and totally broke down. This entire weekend I have been so down and sad. This afternoon (on my lunch hour) I called him. And he picked up! He kept saying that he wasn't worth it that I should just go find someone who was. So I said "then I'll just come by tonight and give you back your stuff."

All afternoon I was thinking of how I did not want to just move on and forget I ever met this amazing guy. So when we met up tonight, the first things out of my mouth were "I'm not going anywhere."

I don't want to say much more because we're just taking it a step at a time. That this is his lowest of low points. But when he winked at me at the end of us talking, I just knew that there was a light at the end of this. That bright sunny skies were definitely ahead.

And I know we're just not going to fall right back into where we were before, (hanging, shooting the breeze, just being with each other) but I know that those times are ahead. That I'm not going to lose this guy. He's told me he cares about me too much to hurt me any more. Which was why he was shutting me out, he was wanting to protect me from what he was doing.

I feel that I definitely stood my ground. That I'm not just a little weakling. I'm giving him his space, I'm doing more with my life, making plans with friends/family. And Justin and I will grow stronger.

May. 30th, 2005

Sadness.

I don't know why I should be feeling sadness, I should be feeling hatred. Or maybe I'm just being selfish.

Thursday May 26th, Justin & I had a "talk." He said that he's started drinking again and he's very depressed and doesn't want to drag me into it. So he wants us to seperate for a while. I guess in my mind, I had thought, wow I'm having this great relationship and this is the happiest I've ever been, but too bad you don't get to be that way anymore.

I waited until Saturday to call, I gave him two whole days. I left messages Saturday. Just a "I want to hear how you are doing, call me". All day Sunday I was so so sad. Sundays have been the days we would spend ALL DAY together. Both of us usually had the day off, and I had always stayed over on Saturdays. Well every Saturday except this last one. So Sunday's have been OUR day. I was in bliss. But now it seems like I'm in mourning.

I have become so attached to this guy because of all the attention he showed me and how much he showed that he wanted me around. And then all week he doesn't call, nothing. I left messages on Sat, Sun, and today. At his house and one at his mom's. I hope I get to see him.

I really hope this is not how this relationship is going to end. I asked my sister on advice for this -- she said a guy told her that he need a "break" from them. Then she eventually found out that he was cheating on her. I don't think Justin would do that because he's had it done to him and knows how it feels.

Justin has told me a few times over the past week or two, that if I'm the one bugging him or if he doesn't want to see me anymore, that he will definitely let me know. He has not let me know, so I am only hoping for the best.

This Thursday is our "2 month anniversary" -- if we're even speaking by then. And next Sunday, the Tolliver family (his 2nd family) invited the two of us to their son's graduation party.

I just love him so much and care so much about him that I want to know about his well-being. If he's down and depressed, wouldn't I have any effect on bringing a smile to his face or maybe a chuckle? I want to help him and I think that totally ignoring him is not the way to go. You don't just ignore a good friend, which is what I thought I was, in addition to his girlfriend.

I left him a message tonight at his house. It said "Hey Justin it's Toni again. I hope you've been getting my messages, I'd really like to hear from you. I know you're probably not home, RAW is on. Just give me a call when you get home, I'd like to know how you are. bye" -- Friendly enough, isn't it?

Wish me luck. Luck that I will not lose this guy. I've given so much of myself to him and he has to me to just throw this away. I'll keep this up to date.

May. 22nd, 2005

UPDATE

OK -- about the whole "justin not calling me for two nights" thing, he was not mad or upset at me. He was venting. He said that he had a lot of things going on in his mind, and that it was just getting too built up, that he could just not stay at his apt. He didn't want to blow up on anyone.

Well I told him all about how he made me feel when he didn't call and didn't give me a heads up. He got upset that I was upset and apologized. He also said that this 'venting' and disappearing for a few days is just something he does, he can't explain it. He said this is something he does that he cannot change, just like I cannot change how easily worked up I can get. I was even crying, and it's been so long since I've cried in front of someone that wasn't my family. It just doesn't happen.

I felt so much better getting all of that out, putting it out on the table. I need to stop bottling all my feelings inside and talk about it. I think we're growing more as a couple, and we just need to understand each other's faults. And I know, way before I met him, that one of my greatest faults is overthinking and getting too worked up too quickly. That's just something I've always done and think always will. I will just have to come to accept that this thing is just something that Justin does and probably always will.

I'm also thinking of the future with Justin. If we get married and have kids and he disappears for a few days, will I be able to handle that? Will I be able to run the whole show while he's off venting ? When I think of a husband, I think that he's always going to be there for me and support me.

These last few days have made me really think about everything. As we are progressing in this relationship, I think we are still learning new things about each other everyday. Even Mom was saying she still learns new things about Dad everyday, and they've been married for 26 years.

Well I gotta be going. Jeremy's Birthday Cookout is tonight at 7:00, and I still have to take a shower and get him a present. I'm not sure what to get him :) Maybe I'll drop by CD Connection. C YA

May. 21st, 2005

(no subject)

OK I think I might have blown it with Justin. I'm giving too much of myself and my attention to him without getting any in return. And it is so frustrating that my stomach is in knots.

I'm just going to back off him and let him call me. I'm going to completely ignore him. And this is so hard to do when I care about him so much and dream about him every night.

This nervous stomach is really starting to bug me. I keep taking these St. John's Wort for "well-being and mood" and they're doing jack squat. I need something stronger.

Well I'm going to the gym here in a little bit. I feel like an asswipe. Even Mom thinks so. "Toni, you're too available, he's just going to take you for granted." I just don't like that I was the same about of available for the past month and a half, and just all of a sudden he disappears? Maybe this is his signal to me that he's not interested anymore, or that he's found somebody new and better.

Apr. 23rd, 2005

(no subject)

Time for my weekly update.

Things are still going great with Justin, I could not have asked for anything more. Wednesday night, he avoided all his friends from calling & coming over, so it was just me and him, all night. He let me know exactly what he was thinking about me, we even chose a song. We even laughed our butts off so so much. I was in heaven. We were also open to each other about getting 'closer.'...

Fri night, we were going to have fun down in Kings, but he called and said that he brother called. He hadn't spoken to his brother Davey for more than 2 months. They left things on a very bad note. So I went to bed early, Justin called me as soon as he got home (12:45). He told me how much he bragged about me to his brother, and that we all have to meet. That they basically put everything on the table and made up. They both apologized and hugged. It was great.

It was odd not seeing Justin at night. I've seen him every single night these last 20 days. He says he missed me. So I'm seeing him late tonight, probably staying over, and Sunday morning. Jessica's coming over to help me clean at 2pm. And i cannot break plans with her again. Mom's doing my hair tonight. I'm going a darker color, I hope it looks OK.

Well I'm going. I think Sam & I had a falling out. We've been talking so openly lately, that I wanted to share with her how this whole Justin thing was going. Yet she just lays on the judgement and puts me down. So I'm keeping that from her from now on, I don't know why she was so harsh. I really had enjoyed having someone to talk to.

Going now, I'm going to go get some breakfast on the way to work.

Apr. 18th, 2005

Wow-ee...

Gosh I should update more often! I really haven't been home all week, putting my Justin time in. I figured out, that last week, I seen him for 30 hours!! That's almost a full time job.

All during the week, we went to lunch and then I came over to hange with him every night. And he is still making me feel all giddy! Friday night we saw Amityville Horror (good movie) and I stayed over. His roommate let me have his bed, while Justin was on the couch. It was so nice of him, it was the best bed in the place, a queen size. And I also stayed last night. In justin's bed while he was on the floor beside me. First time I've slept in the same room with a boy... I was nervous, and couldn't fall asleep until he was asleep.

We had stayed up late watching some old camcorder movies he had. Oh they were so funny. Even though one of them had his ex-fiance in it. That was difficult. But before he played it, he let me know that there were no feelings there, that it is only me and him. I'm just loving him more and more.

Gosh it's so weird coming back home after 40 hrs straight hanging out with Justin this weekend. And I borrowed Sam's camera to take some pics of him. He gets all weird when I'm about to take the pic, so they didn't turn out as well as I thought.

Saturday Jessica came over and helped me clean up my dirty apartment. I was so nervous the entire time, that I was shaking. That I couldn't believe she was cleaning my crap. And she did like 3 loads of laundry. We're going to continue next Sunday. I bought a microwave stand so I can save more counter space.

Well I'm going now. I'm going by Justin's tonight. He's taking me to his gym to show me the mural he's doing there. ;) sigh...

Apr. 10th, 2005

In Lo-ove <3

The argument Justin & I had on Friday night has only made us stronger. He first told me that he was upset all that night and all Saturday. We didn't see each other until 11:30. Then I told him that I thought I overreacted and was upset all night and all day. So we were both apologizing.

We spent the rest of the night in each other's arms on the couch. Gosh and until 3 in the morning. He kept saying it was ok if I crashed on the couch, but I knew he had to get up at 8 and I wanted to sleep in :)

This man is so amazing. I told him tonight how attractive I thought he was, and he couldn't figure out why! So I told him. He got sunburnt that day at work, painting lamp posts in the hot sun all day without a shirt. This guy is gorgeous.

I am more than likely meeting his mother today. I've met her before, she's a bank customer, I've waited on her. But not an official "meet the mother of the person you're seeing." She seemed ok with it, I think. I'm nervous.

Tues night he's meeting my parents. And I can't be more tickled. For years I have complained and drug on that I was never going to bring a guy home for them to meet. And that day has come :)

We've only been going out a week, but it seems like months and months. I'm so in love with this guy it isn't even funny. And with as much funky stuff he does sometimes, I still love being with him.

I've gotta go. I'm going shopping for him later. Oh I'm going to have so much fun :) I've gotta stop smiling :)

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